


and all of that time you thought i was sad, i was trying to remember your name

by D4ylight



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-05
Updated: 2013-10-05
Packaged: 2017-12-28 12:59:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/D4ylight/pseuds/D4ylight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They meet again, long after everything has died down. It's not ideal, but then again, is anything, really?</p>
            </blockquote>





	and all of that time you thought i was sad, i was trying to remember your name

**Author's Note:**

> Wow okay, I wrote this over a year ago, when I was way more involved in this fandom than I am now. I originally had great plans for this fic, but now I don't even remember what they were, and unfortunately I can't be bothered to do anything more with this story, so have this. This is basically just post-relationship angst, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Any grammatical errors, typos, or inconsistencies you may encounter are entirely my fault, of course. 
> 
> (The title is from the song "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars.)

When Harry and Louis meet again, it has been almost two years since they spoke, over three years since they had actually seen each other in person. It’s late June, the sun is shining brightly on a clear, blue sky, and Harry is 28, Louis 30. They’re standing on opposite sides of a big grass patch in front of a small white chapel some place in Ireland.  
Louis spots Harry first; he looks somewhat misplaced amongst the crowd of smiling and eagerly chatting wedding guests. He is looking unsurely at a small group of people chatting lividly amongst themselves, maybe he is debating whether he should approach them or not, Louis thinks. Harry has this look on his face that tells Louis that he’d rather be somewhere else entirely. Louis can’t say that he blames him, he too feels a tad uncomfortable being there. 

Louis is about to approach Harry, maybe go over there and talk to him, exchange awkward ‘hello’s’ and ‘how have you been’s’ and awkward side-glances, not really daring to look each other in the eyes, but then Harry turns around and notices Louis for the first time, and something inside of him turns awkwardly and uncomfortably, it’s a sort of a feeling that sneaks up on you and makes you feel sick and lonely and a bit odd at the same time, and it’s something that Louis can’t quite place, or something he doesn’t really want to deal with. 

Harry doesn’t look relieved or happy about finally seeing someone he actually knows, doesn’t look happy about seeing the man who once had been one of his best friends in the entire world, (and then eventually something more, Louis adds as an afterthought) but then again, he doesn’t look angry at Louis for not keeping in touch, not angry for the company he is bringing, in fact, his look only contains heaps of sadness and a small amount of awkward. Everything about Harry says something along the lines of ‘I’d rather not be here, I’d rather we didn’t meet, now, but it’s okay, and I understand’ and then maybe something else that Louis can’t quite place. 

He wants to be unreasonable, wants to run over to where Harry is standing and do things to him that had once felt as the most natural in the world, he wants to be young and reckless and most of all he doesn’t want to understand. But he does, more than he wishes he did, and he can’t be all the things he wants to, and he can’t do all the things he so desperately craves, because he knows how things change and how life goes on, and in the middle of this train of thoughts, he realises that somewhere along the way, he actually grew up. 

~

Sometimes he wonders if it’s possible to love another person entirely too much, and if it is, he and Louis would definitely be a great example of that. It had been so beautiful and intense, and sometimes maybe even a little bit too much, but at the same time not nearly enough. 

On sad days Harry thinks that maybe it had been nothing more than all the pressure and the constant attention, and the fact that they had been young and full of hormones and needed some sort of release, which they just happened to find in each other. But then he remembers how he used to look at Louis and thinking that all he ever wanted was to make him smile, and how he used to look at Harry as if he was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, even though Harry himself did not share that opinion. 

He remembers how he used to feel so safe with Louis; no matter how much pressure and how many responsibilities were thrust upon their shoulders, no matter how many exhausting and bad situations they encountered, Louis would always be his safe place where nothing could go wrong. 

Things between them did occasionally go wrong, but those were an entirely different story. 

What had driven them apart in the end had been nothing more than life and time and things not going their way, if he had to pinpoint the moment when things started to fall apart it would be almost impossible, because things happened so slowly and gradually and suddenly they stood there, nothing more than two people fallen out of love, wondering where they went wrong, but no longer feeling the need of the other’s presence. 

It hurts, because they used to be each other’s everything, and now they are nothing more than two familiar strangers in a wedding.

He wonders briefly if this could have been their wedding if only things had gone differently, but he soon dismisses that thought, because he doesn’t want to go down that road again. If it had been possible for him to turn back time and erase all the heartbreak and tears and all the nights he had spent waken thinking of him, he wouldn’t. In fact, he wouldn’t have done a single thing differently, because Louis was such a big part of his life, and no matter how much hurt he has caused him; hurting is a part of loving, and there is no way Harry wants to forget the time they spent loving each other. 

Maybe, just maybe, even if they had fallen out of love years ago, it’s not impossible that he spends at least some time of his days thinking about Louis, wondering what it would have been like if some things had gone a little bit differently, and it’s also a slight possibility that a small part of Harry still loves him in some kind of manner.  
If he’s been sort of unable to find someone he really loves and wants to spend his life with that’s definitely not Louis, it’s none other than his own business. 

After all, you don’t forget your first love just like that. 

~

Harry had been seriously considering not going to the wedding. Sure, Niall had once been one of his very best friends, they had been in a band together for several years, for God’s sake, but now, those days are nothing more than a distant, bittersweet memory. He doesn’t know what happened, really, none of the others do either, probably, he thinks. But there had been so much, too much maybe, at once, suddenly, and fast. The fame and the success had been overwhelming, suddenly they were on everyone’s lips (in every sense of the word, he thinks somewhat bitterly), and everything was loud and noisy and too bright, so much light and colours everywhere, all the time. It had been nowhere to hide, nowhere for them to close their eyes and just breathe for a minute, because they were the stars that gave everyone light, and the world was buzzing from excitement at their faces and their names, wherever they went. 

They had also been two young people in love, they had spent so much time together that it was a wonder that the two of them hadn’t become one. But sometimes it actually felt like he literally couldn’t breathe without Louis by his side, and it seemed like they craved each other’s company all the damn time. It was like they were two halves of a whole, no matter how stupidly cliché it might seem, not complete without each other. He wonders if it’s possible for two people to love too much, because he can’t see any other reason for why things happened as they did. Or maybe they loved too much and too fast and when it was over they stood there, nothing more than two broken and burnt shells. 

Harry spots him then, on the other side of the garden. Louis is with some girl Harry vaguely recognizes as his newest girlfriend, from what he remembers from Louis' facebook profile. He sees that Louis has seen him, too, and he looks like he wants to approach Harry. But he just gives him a sort of sad half smirk, shakes his head vaguely, and turns around. 

Harry doesn't feel good about it, but it's for the best, really, he assures himself. Some things are probably not meant to be, anyway.


End file.
